Why Learning about perspective is so important.

Why is learning about the executive functions so important?

Because these are where the deficits in your child's thinking process come from. Understanding why it is that your child looks at the world in the way they do enables you to see problems and situations through their eyes and, although the behaviour still exists, your own perspective can shift.

When your perspective shifts, you will find that you will not be in your own fight or flight situation where there is overwhelm and stress.

So how does this happen?

Let's look at a typical situation where your child has lost control of their emotions and is shouting and swearing, maybe throwing some toys and generally disrespecting you.

There are a few things to think about, your child's perspective, your perspective, what you think your child's perspective is, what happened before the behaviour, where were you at the time ( can you say what built up to this behaviour), what do you want to happen, what your child wants to happen and what you think your child wants to happen and the environmental issues. It seems like so much is going on, right? Well, believe it or not, all of these things and more can be going on simultaneously.

So let's answer these questions.

What is your child's perspective?

When your child is screaming and shouting, they have lost control of their emotions and are dysregulated. At this moment, their prefrontal cortex (PFC) is unable to organize their thoughts, making their mind feel like a tangled mess, where they can't find a way out. This is often referred to by professionals as the fight, flight, or freeze response. While this describes the physical reaction, parents need a more straightforward way to understand the situation instantly. This could involve recalling a time when your own emotions overwhelmed your thought process, leaving you feeling trapped, as if looking through fog.

• Firstly, avoid engaging. Your child won't hear you because their emotions are overwhelming them. Selective attention means they can't focus on more than one stimulus at a time. Keep in mind that selective attention doesn't imply they consciously choose this behavior; they're not in control.

• Sit quietly and calmly with your child, minimizing movement, and reassure them in a soft voice. The goal is to help your child calm down. Emotional dysregulation makes it hard for individuals to self-soothe, leading to intense and prolonged emotions.

• After a few minutes, once your child has settled, ask them what made them uncomfortable using language they understand (younger children might relate to bad feeling in your tummy).

• Listen carefully, even if you don't understand or if it seems trivial. It's not your place to judge the extent of their discomfort. However, you can discuss how the emotion doesn't justify the outburst.

So what about your perspective? How do you see the situation, and how do you see your child's perspective?

• When observing negative behaviour, do you perceive a troublemaker? This can be challenging, especially when your child is verbally abusive and such incidents occur often. It's easy to raise your voice and lose control, recalling previous similar situations. However, your child may struggle with poor non-verbal working memory, making it difficult for them to remember past issues or learn from them. Avoid referencing past events, as this can intensify their feelings of self-disappointment and anger over having their perceived character flaws highlighted.

• Parents often make up their own minds about what the child is thinking or feeling, to produce unwanted behaviours.

  Considering this, parents frequently discipline their children based on their own assumptions rather than thoroughly understanding the issue.

  Evaluate each behaviour separately instead of viewing them as a continuous pattern, and address them accordingly. Pay attention to your child's explanation for their actions, and avoid assuming that your perspective is the reality of the situation.

So, perspectives have a huge impact on the way we behave with our children and how they behave with us. It shouldn't be a guessing game to make things quicker and easier, validation is important for parent and child. Taking time to listen and digest to produce the most effective outcome can make life easier and calmer in the lifespan.

Until next time,

Tanya