Why is it difficult to parent a child with ADHD when you have adult ADHD yourself?

Many people, particularly relatives, are eager to offer advice on parenting your child, often believing they've done it better or criticising your methods.

With a neurodiverse child, you're frequently on the defensive, addressing remarks from adults when your child behaves inappropriately in public. I've found it tiring trying to shield my children from comments while disciplining them and simultaneously defending myself from judgmental looks questioning my ability to control my child.

Well, there is a reason for that, and that is that I have ADHD myself. A hereditary rate of up to 80% means that there are many of us parents with ADHD, have children with ADHD.

So why is it harder to parent?

There are numerous reasons why this can be quite challenging, and I'll attempt to explain without unnecessary waffle.

As adults, we've already navigated life, learning and growing, forming opinions and limited beliefs shaped by our experiences and upbringing. Before we even begin parenting, we have preconceived notions and beliefs about what makes a good parent and what is right or wrong. These form the basis of our decisions and the pressure we place on ourselves to meet them. When parenting, these thoughts guide us, serving as beacons of righteousness. However, we rarely pause to question why we think this way or seek proof that it's the correct approach.

With this as the foundation, we can explore how ADHD impacts us as parents, intertwined with our limited beliefs.

Emotion

As individuals with ADHD, we are often informed about our emotional dysregulation, but have you considered how it manifests and its origins? It's suggested that signals in our brains are processed more slowly than in neurotypicals. This may be due to a thinner layer of myelination around the axons that send signals to different brain regions, which is thought to be common in people with ADHD. Additionally, a deficit in the superior colliculus, which affects selective attention and the ability to focus on more than one thing at a time, could play a role. Consequently, we tend to rely more on emotions for decision-making rather than logical thought, as emotions are processed more quickly. We also struggle with understanding what our emotions mean, the intensity of these emotions, and their duration. How does this manifest in parenting?

You are more prone to becoming angry with your child because your emotions dictate your response and since anger processes the quickest, there isn't enough time to think logically. The combination of surrounding noise and the thoughts in your mind about tasks to be completed can be overstimulating, leading to a sense of being overwhelmed. Emotions become intertwined, making it difficult to distinguish between your feelings and the actions you should take, causing your focus to blur. At this point, finding the quickest escape becomes your priority because the overwhelming sensation is consuming your entire being, and you want it to stop. This often results in giving in to the child, making consistency impossible.

Any negative emotion can leave you feeling uneasy for a long while, sometimes for days, and as an adult with ADHD, you dislike remaining in an uncomfortable emotional state. Therefore, you will choose any method to alleviate it. Discomfort can also arise from feeling down which we can derive from others feeling down. This is why some ADHD parents may apologise to their children for disciplining them, even if it was justified, often fearing that their child's feelings toward them have changed due to the discipline and try to make the child happy again.

Co-morbid conditions

As many as 50% of individuals with ADHD also have other co-existing conditions such as depression, dyslexia, and OCD, among others, which can influence their decision-making alongside their ADHD. For instance, if you have OCD, maintaining a clean environment might be crucial for managing your anxiety, and having a young child often means dealing with dirt and clutter. This situation can exacerbate the negative emotions and discomfort associated with ADHD in ways that

Do you have ADHD?

others might not comprehend, leading you to make decisions just to make you feel less anxious rather than better parenting.

Boredom

Being a parent frequently involves handling the same tasks every single day, which can become quite monotonous. For individuals with ADHD, boredom often leads them to seek different stimuli, avoiding the task at hand. Unfortunately, the inability to manage the emotions stemming from boredom can frequently result in depression. People with ADHD depend on the release of dopamine and serotonin to feel happy and to assist in completing tasks. Due to the general lack of dopamine in individuals with ADHD, they may experience the lows associated with repetitiveness and routine. This feeling can also cause parents to make choices that are the simplest and easiest, simply to engage in something different or be in a place that makes them feel more comfortable.

Environmental factors- other family members/low income/working hours

This subject can certainly involve anyone with children, but it particularly affects individuals with ADHD in how they handle emotions arising from these challenges. These challenges exacerbate the already uncomfortable feelings associated with the issues mentioned earlier, turning parenting into an additional task on the list, leading to shortcuts.

Lack of time perception

Adults with ADHD may experience time differently; some are consistently late, others early, but most struggle to grasp the passage of time. Many either overestimate or underestimate the duration of tasks, the length of a journey, or the time needed to cook food—I've never timed a cake myself! This can affect parenting by causing lateness for school, appointments, and meetings.

Planning and organising

Many of the skills related to planning and organizing are located in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain most impacted by ADHD. This means that tasks such as planning a meal (as simple as it may seem), deciding what to eat, when to start cooking, and how long to cook can all involve planning and organizing. Dinner is often after 7pm in my house, but it's no big deal!

Our Own Self-Awareness

It may seem that we all naturally have self-awareness. However, it is still evolving and is among the earliest executive functions to develop. It forms the basis for all other executive functions. These functions collaborate like ingredients in a cake to ensure the safest way to care for ourselves as humans. A lack in this area can result in poor decision-making, impulsive actions, and an absence of understanding consequences or other people's feelings.

As I mentioned initially, at the core of this is our fundamental understanding of what parenting entails. When the realities of parenting diverge from our limited beliefs, it can result in low self-esteem, diminished self-worth, and feelings of failure. This is a common theme in parenting, and parents of children with ADHD are likely to experience it frequently. The situation is exacerbated when friends and relatives dismiss the very notion of ADHD.

To conclude this blog, the recommendation is to explore your own ADHD more thoroughly, identifying your strengths and weaknesses, and determining where you might need support. Being a supportive parent to a child with ADHD involves ensuring that your own ADHD doesn't interfere.

Until next week

Tanya