How to get my ADHD child to shower when I have ADHD too?

ADHD kids and bath time

How to shower your ADHD child when you're an ADHD parent? Many parents with ADHD frequently argue with their child about taking a shower. This situation causes significant anxiety for both the child and the parent, leading to regrettable words being exchanged. Since this is a common occurrence, anxiety and overwhelm build up even before the conversation about bath time begins. The entire process can take hours in the evening, leaving the ADHD child upset, frantic, overstimulated, and unsettled, while the ADHD parent feels overwhelmed, angry, judgmental, overstimulated, and resentful. Additionally, you may struggle with feelings of resentment, knowing your child cannot help it.

What are some reasons your child might resist taking a shower or bath?

Sensory issues: A shower might feel uncomfortable due to the sensation of water droplets on their skin, making a bath more tolerable, or they might simply dislike the feel of water altogether.

Selective attention: The child might be too engrossed in fun activities to want to stop for a shower, and your request interrupts their enjoyment.

Boredom: If a bath feels like a chore, the child may lack the desire or motivation to take one.

Defiance: Being told to take a shower or bath might be challenging for them, especially if they have ADHD, as they may perceive it as a threat to their autonomy, leading to defiance as a form of resistance.

Dopamine inducing: The argument itself might trigger dopamine release, causing the child to become argumentative as they are driven by this dopamine.

How can we ease the struggle over shower time?

Begin by considering how frequently you bathe your child. Is it every night? With a newborn, we are often advised to bathe them in the evening to help them settle for bedtime. However, as the child grows older, this routine may not suit a parent and child with active minds. Perhaps reducing it to just a few times a week might be better.

I understand that many parents might argue that their child is dirty and needs a shower every night to go to bed clean. But who says this is necessary?

This is where I would ask why you believe your child needs a shower every night. Where did this notion come from?

This is known as a limiting belief, where the reason isn't something you've considered yourself but is constructed by external influences, for example:

• As a child, your parents insisted on a nightly bath or shower because they believed you were dirty.

• In the playground, parents ensure their children bathe every night, fearing negative judgment if they don't.

• Social media portrays good parents as those who bathe their children nightly to keep them impeccably clean.

• The belief is that a clean child will have more friends, be more accepted, and you will be too as a parent.

• There's a perception that a teacher might treat your child differently if they aren't clean.

• If your child has ADHD and already faces challenges, why make things harder?

You might feel compelled to bathe your ADHD child every night, but these thoughts are overwhelming and not accurate. When I was young, I had a bath once a week, typically on Sundays before the new week started. Previous generations bathed even less frequently. However, we were never smelly, unpleasant, or undervalued. As we grow older, we may recognise the benefits of daily showers if it suits our personal preferences, and then we can adjust our routines accordingly.

Now, you need to tailor life to suit both your needs and those of your child.

• Begin by reducing your child's shower frequency to 2-3 times a week. Your child is not dirty. If this still poses a challenge, you might need to explore why you feel this way.

• Schedule shower days on occasions when there's something exciting on television as a reward. If not, find a small incentive for them to anticipate.

• Use a timer. Some children dislike spending too long in the bath, so you can say, 'Let's see how quickly you can wash everywhere. We can time you—can you beat the timer?' This can become a challenge to surpass each time.

• Brush teeth in the shower or bath. If this reduces conflicts for you, why not? Even if they eat or drink afterward, it’s better to have their teeth cleaned than not!

• Make it enjoyable. Include items like small water pistols in the bath for them to play with—create a target. Yes, it might get a bit messy, but it's only water.

Discuss the plan with your child and explain it to them. If they are uncertain about the cleaning aspect, you might consider showing them pictures of what can happen to the skin when it is neglected (without being too graphic).

Hopefully, these tips will allow you to have more time and less anxiety.

Until next week.

Tanya