How do I discipline my ADHD child when I have ADHD too?

Controlling behaviours not punishments

Many parents try to discipline their child by trying to hold back when their behaviour is deemed to be coming for their ADHD as it is seen to not be their fault. This can lead to parents turning themselves inside out by second-guessing and planning.

so the simple answer is you don't. There is plenty of conflicting advice and you can only act on what fits you and your family. Getting to know your child and their ADHD will help with this- note taking and observations.

Many people claim that a child with ADHD hears 20,000 more negative comments than a neurotypical child, which can be daunting, especially when it feels like you're always reprimanding them. which puts so much pressure on you not to be one of those comments. With several areas of the child's brain underdeveloped, the main area being the prefrontal cortex, it is not going to be easy to have a child who understands why they can't behave in the way they do. And unfortunately, this area of the brain will take many years to catch up remaining 3-5 years behind neurotypical children. However, they still need to learn right from wrong, and if you have other children at home, they must understand that discipline is fair and no one gets a free pass. This may feel like you are always shouting but you don't have to yell when they misbehave; you can still choose your battles. Managing your tone and calmly informing them that their behaviour is unacceptable can be a much better option.

So you have calmly told your child that their behaviour is not acceptable and your child is now shouting, and making no sense but it very loud and overwhelming. You're feeling disrespected, angry hurt and frustrated-what are you going to do with all of this amotion? As an adult with ADHD, you will find it very difficult to regulate your emotions as your brain will become overstimulated. This is where the brain has several stimuli creating Action Potentials that are competing with each other for an organised release of a neurotransmitter but due to the deficit in the Superior Colliculus, there is difficulty with prioritising attention and selective attention. The outer stimulus- your child shouting and the inner stimulus, is your feelings along with your judgments and voice of what you should do. At this point, you may have time constraints – dinners cooking leads to overwhelm. As a child with ADHD they will be using their emotion to fuel his actions as the Prefrontal Cortex is delayed in development. They will only know that how they behave will result in an action from you.

At this moment, they are not in pain, not upset or needing help in any way the are letting you know that they don’t like the response that you have given them they want a more favourable response and shouting and yelling will get that. But you end up shouting back and your ADHD child is now getting lots of stimulus from the dopamine that the confrontation is giving them and as your child has selective attention too, this will be the only thing they will focus on!!

So, let's step back, your child is yelling and shouting now, you face them and with a calm clear voice (stern but not shouting)' I don’t know what you want when you're shouting at me, it's all noise' or something to this affect. Walk away and carry on making tea, hoovering etc. Put some music on and sing -anything that just says I’m not responding and I'm not cross either. 'But they follow me….'

You just keep going. ADHD parents this is the most difficult of all. I want it fixed now- 'it's hard and I am feeling very overwhelmed and uncomfortable, I can’t get on with what need to do and I don’t like my child very much at the moment and I’m not comfortable with that either and am I doing the right thing because my child seems really distressed'

This is where good old-fashioned breathing exercises help- not going to be telling you to meditate at this point but the ADHD brain thinks very fast and even as adults, our emotions will travel before our thinking processes-our prefrontal cortex(cognitive thinking brain) the anger emotion is the quickest emotion we process and act on. So slowing your thinking process down and taking some deep breaths will just interrupt the frustration for long enough to rationalise things. The children are getting louder because you are succeeding. And so, think about it being one step closer to success and keep going. It will disperse.

This tacktic will not work at the first attempt or the second and it may feel like its not working at all however if you stick with it as a repeating action, your child will soon adapt to the fact that their behaviour will not equate a response they want. Success, however, does depend on the following things:-

Consistency – you have to do the same thing every time. When you tell him that you can’t here him and his behaviour is unacceptable, he can hear you but it may not register.  However, when you go through the same process over and over he will soon understand what you said and why.

Treat all your children the same way. NT or ND. Your children can see then that they are not being treated any differently.

Continuity- this is really important that every caregiver in your child's family is on the same page because if not this process will take longer so, mum and dad, grandparents, play school child minder - everyone.

Have faith in your abilities as a parent. It's not easy for anyone, you are not failing. If it doesn’t work the first time or second time your child will learn with consistency.

No matter how tempting it is when you have had a hard day to just give in, have a tag team. Have your partner, if you can, to take over and you get out of there.

SO when it is all over and it's quiet you can, with a NT child, go back and explain the consequences of the actions and behaviours of the child. With a ND child don’t go back after the tantrum is over-the emotions for both you and the child will be exhausting and they are a very uncomfortable place to be in. Most adults and children with ADHD forget very quickly and want to detach from the uncomfortable feeling as quickly as possible. So when you told them that their behaviour was unacceptable at the time, your actions were enough. Revisiting is just bringing them back to feeling uncomfortable.

This parenting ability is not about punishment. The ADHD child hasn't done anything wrong, they are not able to judge what approach to what situation needs what behaviour and you are helping them understand this by being more self-aware. Self-awareness is one of the main executive functions that are impaired with ADHD. It is the first one we learn and has an impact on all the others.

A couple of final pieces of advice: Don’t hold a grudge. When you’ve moved past a behaviour issue, some parents struggle to let go of their emotions, and the anger lingers. They might not appear angry, but their body language and interactions convey it, and an ADHD child will notice. The child will want to leave that uncomfortable environment quickly, but the parent's behaviour keeps them in it. So, don’t hold a grudge—if you need to step away to calm down and release your emotions, do so, but don’t hold onto resentment. Also, don’t bring it up later, like when visiting grandma, by saying, "You can’t have X because of your behaviour this afternoon." Understanding consequences is an executive function, so revisiting the issue might lead to a repeat scenario.

Hope you enjoyed my post, see you next week.

Tanya